I am ready to have a full blown temper tantrum tonight. I'm so angry at everyone, and the root of the problem is actually PMS. Knowing that doesn't help.
I am sooooo pissed off at Mike right now and it's not even really his fault. Matthew has been awful the last couple of days - nothing but pulling on my pants legs, crying if I leave his sight, throwing his toys, having temper tantrums, screaming and having another tantrum if I reprimand him for having a temper tantrum - it took me over 2 hours to get him to sleep last night at bed time, and he got up early this morning. No good naps today which does not bode well for tonight's sleep either. So, Mike tells me he'll be done working at 5 and be home by 5:45 at that latest. Of course that didn't happen, cause it never does on the bad days, does it? He got hom at about 7:45. Not his fault at all, but it still pisses me off. And right now, I'm feeling a lot of stress about Matthew's eating situation, and I'm trying like hell to find anything he'll eat. Every meal, I try something new, I make something different, anything to get him to start eating better. Every meal, he plays with it for a little while, eats a bite or two and then refuses anything else and throws/smears/flings food all over the kitchen, his highchair, his clothes and everything else. It takes me an hour and a half to fix his meals, feed him, and then clean up after it. Mike said "Well, it'll only be for another year or so". I almost killed him over the phone. He's never here for therapy, he's not the one that's going to have to start doing the desensitization therapy if I can't find another fix for this, he's not the one who has to try to find things for Matthew to eat, he's not the one who has to do ANYTHING. In his defense (and when I'm not so pissed off anyway, I'll be the first to admit this) he IS the one who goes to work everyday so I can stay home with Matthew, and if he were here for therapy and every meal and all that stuff, we wouldn't have any food to feed Matthew.
On top of that, my mom is driving me batshit about Matthew's birthday. My mom is the kind of person who needs you to know how busy she is all the time, how tired she is all the time, and what an obligation everything is to her. She's got a LOT going on this weekend, Matthew's birthday, a wedding, and a recital. However, she doesn't HAVE to go to the wedding or the recital. She doesn't have to DO anything for Matthew's party. All she has to do is be here for it. But all I've heard for a week now is how very busy this weekend is going to be, how she's not going to have any time for anything she wants to do, how she's going to be so tired Monday when she goes back to work it's going to be like she never had any time off. I finally blew my lid today and told her that next year, this will not be a problem. I will find somewhere else to have his party, she absolutely does not need to worry about coming and I don't want to hear one more reference to my child's first birthday party as one more obligation like work and church that she bitches about all the time. Of course then, I was flying off the handle, being insensitive to her, and hurt her feelings.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Introspection and personality analysis
"Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty"
I love that saying, and I think the world would be a better place if we all tried to live with that as our motto. I do try to live my life with that as my goal, but I'm just not very good at it. I WANT to be, and when I think of something I can do for someone that is unexpected and is going to please them, it's awesome. But here's the rub: I just don't think like that! If you need someone to do something specific for you, I'm your gal. I will do anything in the world for most people if I know what it is they need done. But I just can't think of anything most of the time. I've known people who seem to always know the right thought, the right gesture, the right spontaneous thing to do for someone to just light up their day. I'm not talking about earth shattering kindness, I'm talking about simple little gifts of happiness, whether it's a material gift or a thoughtful phone call or a card at the right time. I want to be that person but I'm not and it frustrates the hell out of me. I'm not that spontaneous most of the time, and I'm not that creative.
So where did all of this come from, and where is it going? Matthew is going to be 1 Saturday and I want to do something really special for him. Not neccesarily for that day, but something special for him later in his life so that he'll know what a joy this year has been (although talking about Matthew + joy the last couple of days is a joke - what an attitude he's had!!!) and how much his mama and daddy love him and how excited we've been getting ready for this party. So he'll be able to know that even though he can't remember this party, it was something we did to celebrate him and his life and our overwhelming joy and gratitude at having him in our lives.
So what's my big idea? Haha. That's the problem, I don't have one!!!! I am so frustrated. The only thing I've come up with is writing him a letter every year on his birthday, which in itself is a nice idea, but it doesn't really have the wow factor I was looking for, you know? And what's really going to piss me off is I know that there are going to be half a dozen other mommies who think of amazing, sweet, fantastic things to do for their kids that I'm going to be really envious of, that I just can't think of.
I love that saying, and I think the world would be a better place if we all tried to live with that as our motto. I do try to live my life with that as my goal, but I'm just not very good at it. I WANT to be, and when I think of something I can do for someone that is unexpected and is going to please them, it's awesome. But here's the rub: I just don't think like that! If you need someone to do something specific for you, I'm your gal. I will do anything in the world for most people if I know what it is they need done. But I just can't think of anything most of the time. I've known people who seem to always know the right thought, the right gesture, the right spontaneous thing to do for someone to just light up their day. I'm not talking about earth shattering kindness, I'm talking about simple little gifts of happiness, whether it's a material gift or a thoughtful phone call or a card at the right time. I want to be that person but I'm not and it frustrates the hell out of me. I'm not that spontaneous most of the time, and I'm not that creative.
So where did all of this come from, and where is it going? Matthew is going to be 1 Saturday and I want to do something really special for him. Not neccesarily for that day, but something special for him later in his life so that he'll know what a joy this year has been (although talking about Matthew + joy the last couple of days is a joke - what an attitude he's had!!!) and how much his mama and daddy love him and how excited we've been getting ready for this party. So he'll be able to know that even though he can't remember this party, it was something we did to celebrate him and his life and our overwhelming joy and gratitude at having him in our lives.
So what's my big idea? Haha. That's the problem, I don't have one!!!! I am so frustrated. The only thing I've come up with is writing him a letter every year on his birthday, which in itself is a nice idea, but it doesn't really have the wow factor I was looking for, you know? And what's really going to piss me off is I know that there are going to be half a dozen other mommies who think of amazing, sweet, fantastic things to do for their kids that I'm going to be really envious of, that I just can't think of.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Different perspectives for different folks
This is what I'm talking about today: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071211/ap_on_re_us/church_shootings;_ylt=AoThrDFUy1KdTv15xhmm6hSs0NUE
Wow that's a long link.
Anyway. I read another article this morning where the security guard who shot this guy says she credits god with her reaction and the outcome of the incident.
What a laugh to me. You're going to give god credit when someone comes into his church shooting people? Hello - where was god to begin with? If god was so great and all powerful and instrumental in the fact that you were able to shoot this guy, WHY DID IT HAPPEN TO BEGIN WITH? Was god asleep? Ooops, sorry I was in the bathroom and missed this lunatic? I will never understand this. When something bad happens, it's the devil. But if something good happens, then god had his hand in it. How does that work? It's so stupid and simple-minded to me, if god is responsible for the good then he's responsible for the bad too. Or, conversely, if the devil is responsible for the bad then he's responsible for the good too.
Please spare me the "free will" argument. I've heard that one til it makes me want to throw up, and all it does is bring to mind the statement that religion is the opiate of the masses. I have always had a hard time understanding when god lets bad things happen to children, but I guess in my own way I understand it. He doesn't protect them because they're not out doing anything to lead others to god...but a church and a missionary school? Honestly, it's laughable, in a sad sad way.
Wow that's a long link.
Anyway. I read another article this morning where the security guard who shot this guy says she credits god with her reaction and the outcome of the incident.
What a laugh to me. You're going to give god credit when someone comes into his church shooting people? Hello - where was god to begin with? If god was so great and all powerful and instrumental in the fact that you were able to shoot this guy, WHY DID IT HAPPEN TO BEGIN WITH? Was god asleep? Ooops, sorry I was in the bathroom and missed this lunatic? I will never understand this. When something bad happens, it's the devil. But if something good happens, then god had his hand in it. How does that work? It's so stupid and simple-minded to me, if god is responsible for the good then he's responsible for the bad too. Or, conversely, if the devil is responsible for the bad then he's responsible for the good too.
Please spare me the "free will" argument. I've heard that one til it makes me want to throw up, and all it does is bring to mind the statement that religion is the opiate of the masses. I have always had a hard time understanding when god lets bad things happen to children, but I guess in my own way I understand it. He doesn't protect them because they're not out doing anything to lead others to god...but a church and a missionary school? Honestly, it's laughable, in a sad sad way.
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